Don't Create Your Life's Regrets: Having an Affair

Usually, at this time of year, I'd make my predictions for the next year. But, as baseball legend Yogi Berra once said, "It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future." Of my top ten predictions for 2011, incredibly all of them were exactly correct excepting eighty percent of them....I predicted Kim Jong Il's death and Manny Pacquiaou kicking butt correctly, but the rest were way off. So I won't be doing predictions this year. 


Instead of predictions, let me state some facts. Such as, "If you do so-and-so, you will regret it" I have much experience with that, so I have confidence in that area.


I am an expert at doing stupid things and then regretting them later. So let me warn you about one thing that far too many people do that they later regret... Sometimes they regret it for the rest of their lives.... And that is having an extra-marital affair.

Guys do stupid things. I don't know an honest guy who won't admit it. I've done lots of them in my life.

One of the really stupid things we do is get married or engaged while still young and then go out an have affairs with other women.

They might be so-called, "One-night stands" but, if they are, that's usually only because the woman wasn't satisfied and is no longer interested in having sex with a dud. Yep. Been there. Done that.

Why we get a fiancee or get married and then still want to go out and screw around with other women is really a head scratcher. Oh sure, I can say that now that I am to be 55-years-old next year, but when I was 16 ~ 25, I, like 97% of all guys who will admit it (the other 3% are liars), would have sex with just about any girl on the planet at any time any place.

Oh, don't think I was so sexually active at 16. I wasn't. I only dated "Handrietta and her five sisters" back then. I didn't actually have sex with a girl until I was 20 or 21.

But I digress. Where was I? 

Oh yeah. Doing stupid things like having affairs. Why do guys do that? Well, it's definitely a problem of not being able to control hormones. That's for sure. Guys have a hormone problem when they are young and it makes us unable to think with our brains and only with our, er, family treasure. 


But when it comes to having an affair that means breaking a bond of trust.  When we make a bond of trust to some wonderful girl (and trust that all women have a little girl inside of them as all guys have a little boy inside of us) as well as her family, why do we have an affair and want to hurt their feelings? Many girls have some childhood fantasy that they carry through life that they will meet some white knight on a steed and we are going to take them away. I think they call it a "Cinderella Complex." We meet this wonderful girl that we fall in love with. Then we meet her family and father and mother who are kind to us; we marry. Then, we screw around with other women and mess things up for them and ourselves!? Why do we do that? What have they done to us that was so bad? Why do we want to hurt them so?


Especially if we have children. Do we hate our partners and children (and ourselves) so much that we want to mess it up so badly just for 2 hours of sex and then weeks and months of whispering, lying and sneaking around? What, are we stupid?

Ninety nine percent of young guys have an excuse for doing stupid things; if they are under twenty five, they can't control their hormones.  But when we are older, have kids and a meaningful job, why do we risk all of that? I mean, think about it. When a guy is married or has a steady girlfriend or fiancee, then why would they want another girl? 


To be totally flippant about it, isn't one girl enough trouble as it is? 

Go figure.

But even more confusing than men having affairs is married women having affairs, I think. OK, call me sexist, but, from what I have read and understand, women don't go around thinking about sex for seven or eight hours straight a day, everyday like men do. Women don't go to bed at night and dream about sex all night and wake up in a puddle.

Nope. From the literature I've read, they don't do that. 


There is a woman who lives in my neighborhood that we've know for at least six years, named Linda (not her real name) who I think is having an affair. Linda has two kids and is somewhere around 35-years-old. I have no solid proof, like photographs, that she is having an affair, but, like I said, "Been there. Done that." I could surmise from what she was doing, how she was dressed and how she has been acting, that she is indeed having an affair. 


I used to see Linda walking around in the neighborhood sometimes, like I see all the neighbors. I am a friendly guy so I always greet the locals. Linda would be walking around with her small children and I'd say, "Hi!" My wife and son would also say hi to Linda and her family.


Because of my job, I don't usually have to go sit in an office from 9 - 5 everyday. I often get to work from home or have very unusual hours. Often times I go to the local Starbucks for meetings with friends and clients and possible business partners. It was at the Starbucks that I saw Linda and knew immediately that she was having an affair. I felt sorry for her. But mostly I felt sorry for her children.


By the way, near the Starbucks, across the street, and a 4 minute walk on the back road, is also what we call a "Love Hotel." A Love Hotel is a hotel that rents out rooms for two-hour trysts. They are quite popular for young people and those having affairs... So the Starbucks is probably a convenient (but stupid) "meeting place." 


Anyway, my meeting with my client was at 10 am sharp inside the Starbucks which is on the seventh floor of this huge department store near my house. Ten am is opening time for the department store and Starbucks. I was one of the first customers in the Starbucks. I bought my coffee and sat down at a table near the door so that my client and I could catch each other easily. I don't usually pay attention to other people in coffee shops and certainly don't look around for other people that I might know so I sat down and opened my computer. After a few seconds, the lady at the table next to me abruptly stood up and almost ran out of the coffee shop. I noticed her because of the way she was dressed; She had on dark sunglasses (inside of a coffee shop on a cloudy day? Hmmm?) and was wearing a head scarf like some woman who was hiding from the police in an old detective movie. It was Linda. She didn't say, "Good morning" or anything to me and she swiftly left the coffee shop.


A tad bit odd, wouldn't you say?

See? This is how women dress (Jacqueline Kennedy) when they don't want to be recognized. If a person is dressed like this, they are ashamed of what they are doing or they are outside on a windy day. Dressed like this inside a coffee shop? 

Now, let's review this situation. It's just past 10 am. The coffee shop just opened. I am one of the first customers in the shop. I buy my coffee and sit down. This woman, who I've seen in the neighborhood (and who has even been to our house with husband and children for a BBQ party before), dressed in an obvious fashion to disguise herself, ups and abruptly leaves the premises without saying "Hello" and she's wearing dark sunglasses inside a building?!


What's that say to you? Circumstantial for sure, but it says to me that she's having an affair with someone.


As Shakespeare would say, "Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive."


Like I said, I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her husband and I certainly feel sorry for her kids. Hopefully she has stopped but probably not.


I suspect that she knows that I saw her (and I could "read her mind") as I have seen her around the neighborhood over these last few months but she definitely tries to avoid greeting us and avoids having eye contact with me anymore.... When I do see her, she has that "deer caught in the headlights"  look. Oh well. Poor woman.

It's hard enough in life to obtain this as it is, why ruin your chances by your own stupid and foolish actions?

If my guess is correct, and I am quite confident that it is, now, what does she have? She is living in guilt. She has betrayed her family and children. Did the kids deserve this? Make no mistake about it, no matter how you slice or rearrange it, it is betrayal. Now, she has to live with that guilt and regret all her life. Like I said, I know what I am talking about. I've experienced this.


Maybe it is a sickness of the heart and soul? 


Some will say that it takes three to have an affair: two people to have the affair and a cold, mean or uncaring spouse to create the situation whereby the other spouse wishes to have an escape. This might be true. But it still doesn't erase the guilt that someone like Linda must feel when she looks into her children's eyes.


Life is too short to live if it is full of regrets. Of course, we should live life fully, but we should never betray the trust of those we love and who love us.

I hope that, in 2012, my friends, you can live a wonderful year without misfortune and regrets.


Happy New Year 2012. May the New Year see you and yours happy, healthy and prosperous. Live without regrets. 


NOTE: For you bilingual folks (or those who know about Google Translation), my wife has written a pretty funny commentary and take on this story. She thinks I am imagining things. It's hilarious: 男の勘、男の想像力
http://ameblo.jp/yukarogers/entry-11122144496.html 

Betrayal and Loyalty: The Rules of Give and Take

We all have a sort of radar about people. Some of us are astute judges of character. Some not so much. Even so, those who are usually good at figuring people's motives out may get the short end. We sometimes we get burned by people we thought were on our side. We get cheated or ripped off by people who we had hoped were going to help us. Sometimes getting backstabbed by these sorts of people destroys our motivations and we veer off the course we had chosen.

DERWOOD ANDREWS - BACKSTABBERS

We get angry that these people who we trusted betrayed us. They become lowlife scum in our eyes... We obsess about them. We begin to get angry, resentful and maybe filled with hate. 


Not a healthy situation. 


Remember also, though, that it always takes two to tango so if you feel cheated or abused, part of it is your fault. People cannot take advantage of you unless you allow them to. I know I sound all high and mighty when I say this, but I speak from experience. I've felt betrayed before too and, unfortunately, done my fair share of betrayal back.


For the betrayal I committed I will always regret what I did until the day I die. In my case, it wasn't their fault. It was all my fault. I can never make the betrayal I committed "right" or fix things. Past is past. But my regret lives on forever. It's always on my mind somewhere.... 


I've had two people who recently told me about their experiences with betrayal. They both seemed a bit bitter. Both of them work in the music business. Both of them felt betrayed. The music business is famous for betrayal and broken promises. The music business and show business in general is the land of broken dreams.


But the sort of betrayal that I am talking about today is not limited to music or show business. This sort of trickery and betrayal is a part and parcel of human nature and can been witnessed anywhere and everywhere in any human endeavor. Being backstabbed and hurt by those your trusted happen in any business and in any personal relationship. We have to be careful.


A friend of mine recently quit Facebook. Her leaving Facebook is a loss for the world of music. She is instrumental in getting many rock bands the world over a chance at the big time. Of course, once these bands and artists use her to get what they want and they get their big chance (or what they perceive as their big break) they dump her and the people that helped them get to where they wanted to go. It's an old story.


It reminds me of a time long ago when my band often played at a club in Los Angeles called Club 88. The owner was a guy named Wayne (super nice man) and he gave us our first big break and let us play at his club. Wayne was married to a Japanese woman so perhaps he felt affinity for me as his kids were half-Japanese too (there weren't that many of us half-Japanese kids back in those days). Wayne was the only one who would let us play at a club in Los Angeles. We began playing at Club 88 once a month.

Club 88 poster without my band on it!

One day, after some piddling success on the FM radio in LA, my band arranged to play at another, bigger and more famous club across town. We decided that we would stop playing regularly at Club 88 (it wasn't as cool as this new club) and told Wayne that we weren't going to play at Club 88 anymore. As we loaded up our equipment into the van in the back parking lot behind his club, Wayne came out, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "Nice to know you guys are moving up in the world. Don't forget who helped you when you needed help and see you on the way down." 


His words shot through my heart like a silver bullet. I was stunned, speechless.


Later on, on the way down, I was too ashamed to go see him to ask if we could play his club again. We never played there nor met Wayne again.


I was a selfish jerk. I'm sure that when he agreed to let us play his club, we said things like, "Yeah! We'll always play your club even if we get really famous. Sure!" He'd probably heard that one a million times.


What a big lie.


It's like this in any business. When people want something from you, they will promise you the world. But they don't mean it.


The music business, like 99% of all businesses, ultimately is a business of trust. It takes a long time to build trust, but it takes just one action to destroy that trust. In the case of the music business most people come and go every 3 ~ 6 years. I think it is because the ones who can't make either just don't have "it" or, if they do, they are dishonest. I have met many talented people in the music industry who had talent but they didn't make the big time or floundered because they were untrustworthy. There are so many of those, I couldn't name them all.


There's no way you'll make it to the big time without the help of the people around you. They see what you are doing. They see how you treat people. If you think you can step on people all the way to the top, then you are dreaming. It can't be done (excepting in the movies about Hollywood!) 


In Japan, there are only a handful of people (just 5 or 6 foreigners) who have been in the music business for over 25 years and we all know each other. We may not be friends but we know each other, are respectful and can meet and have a laugh when the occasion arises.


Like I said, there have been innumerable people who came and went. I like to think most of those disappeared because they weren't honest. They were the type of people who would use you and promise you anything in order to get you to help them and, once you did help them, they'd dump you faster than a half-eaten Big Mac that's been sitting in the back of the car for the last week. 


In the case of the music business, be wary of people who talk smooth and nice and say "Yeah! Let's work together! You and me." Then when it comes to what you get paid, it is little or free because they say, "There's no money, but let's do it for the music!"


Sure. You do the music for free. They do it for the money using your music.


Now the point of this post... In my current new business, I often talk to music people and musicians, club owners and artists. I have learned my lesson, I never promise the world. I want to share with you a tidbit about how you can protect yourself in your business, any business, and get what you want whenever a "salesman" comes to you and asks for your help in his project. It's simple. Make every proposition a 50/50 proposition.


I don't mean 50/50 for money necessarily. I mean, you hear them out. Listen to what they want you to do for them (ignore the part about, "Let's work together! Let's do it for the music!") and then you make your requests about what it is that you want them to do for you. If they can't do your request or are unable to politically help you out, then there's no point in dealing with this person unless you are talking 50/50 on money. It's that simple.




Here's how I do it. I run a new company that helps artists promote their events and sell tickets. My company gets a commission for every ticket sold. The artists do not need to use our service. They can keep doing things the old way they always have: allow people to pay at the door. It's worked that way pretty well for decades.


My service allows them to sell advanced sale tickets and to promote on Social media so it is a powerful marketing and advertising tool. Some artists (and events and charities) have used our service and sold over 700 advanced sale tickets. Some events were sold out in two days! Now that is promotional power! But still, like I said, the old way has worked pretty well for a long time so many are not eager to change, don't want to think about change, and are suspicious of new things (of course).


Whenever I make a deal with someone, this is what I say,


"Here's the deal. I help you. You help me. This is what I want. Now, what do you want in return?" (I can give them airplay or promote them other ways too).  Doing this keeps everything professional and platonic. There's none of this slimy "do it for the music" or some other lofty ideal not based in the real world. 


I help you. You help me. I know where you stand. You know where I stand. None of this, "You help me out now and I help you out later" nonsense. It works out best that way. This is the professional way of handling business and the only good way to do so. If you do not handle your business this way, people will not respect you and they will think they can take advantage of you.


Remember, you have something they want. That means they must at least deal with you on equal terms.


Also remember that trust is so important so if you do promise to do something then you had better damned well do what you said you were going to do. The only excuse for not keeping a promise would be a 'death in the family' and that 'death' had better be yours. Promises are made to be kept.


There is nothing wrong with being professional and asking for remuneration (of some sort) for something that someone wants you to do for them. If, after a long time, you become friends and build trust with that person, you can begin to accept what they say at face value. Because, like I said, if they are running around doing sneaky stuff, they usually don't last more than a few years.    


Handling your business this way and knowing these things is how you can build true friendship, a true business partner or even to find your true soul mate in life.

BEATLES VS. MONKEES - PAPERBACK BELIEVER

This is a great example of a 50/50 deal!

It is give and take... If you are the one doing all the giving and the deal sounds too good to be true, it usually is. 


You are important and what you have and can do is valuable. Protect it like a professional would.


Like Shakespeare wrote: "All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players." Exactly! So manage your stage appearance in life as any professional manager or agent would do: Professionally. Always understand the rules of give and take.




For Allison Sane and Ohga. Luv!