Everyone is Sick: People Do the Weirdest Things When They Are In Love: Why I am Against the Death Penalty

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." ~ Mother Teresa

"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." ~ Eric Fromm

"At the extremes, people are considered, or actually are, nuts. But as time progresses, what used to be considered eccentric, is viewed as abnormal and in need of medicating, or at least worthy of employing members of the American Psychological Association to treat." ~ William M. Briggs

"When love is not madness, it is not love." ~ Pedro Calderon de la Barca

There's not a person in this world who isn't suffering from some sort of mental disorder. I have one. So do you. The most ill of all of us are the ones who are so vain and narcissist - or extremely ill - that they won't, or can't, admit it.

I think there isn't anything wrong with having failings. We are, after all, only human. Humans are imperfect.

In 1995, the religious cult called Aum Shinrikyo committed the Nerve Gas Attacks on the Tokyo Subway. After years of searching, one of the top suspects in that crime voluntarily gave himself up to police (that's an interesting story, in and of itself - the police didn't believe that it was him when he gave himself up, so they turned him away). The police had always been baffled how he was able to remain a fugitive for so long. Now, maybe we know.

Yahoo reports: 

A woman claiming to have lived with a senior member of the doomsday cult behind the 1995 nerve gas attack on Tokyo's subways turned herself in and was arrested Tuesday for helping him evade police for nearly 17 years. Akemi Saito, also a member of Aum Shinrikyo, gave herself up after Makoto Hirata surrendered to police on New Year's Eve, according to police and Saito's lawyer. Hirata has refused to explain how he managed to keep underground for so long despite being one of Japan's most-wanted fugitives. He is suspected of involvement in a cult-related kidnapping-murder in 1995. Later that year, Aum Shinrikyo released sarin nerve gas in Tokyo's subways, killing 13 and injuring more than 6,000. 

This is a weird story. These crimes allegedly committed by Hirata are heinous crimes and cannot be forgiven nor forgotten. That he would be protected by this woman, Akemi Saito, is the part that is probably most curious to the average person. But, I don't think so. Sounds like she probably loves him. She is sick. We're all sick. Modern society is making us all sicker by the day.

Hirata caught on surveillance camera at Osaka station on 12/31/11

If she weren't sick in the first place, she would have never joined a religious cult. Agreed?

Now, let's extrapolate that thought. Let's consider Hirata. Is he a criminal? Oh, most definitely. Is he sick? Oh most certainly, without a doubt he is a very sick man. Most people can't even conceive of doing the things he is accused of doing.

Now that he's been caught, if convicted, Hirata will probably get the death penalty. 

It might seem that I'm getting off the subject here for a second, but let me state here that I am completely and unequivocally against the death penalty for any crimes. Why? Because of the finality of it all. Men make mistakes. In the history of the law, we have executed the wrong guy many times. Most definitely, many times, Japan has sentenced people to death only to find out later that they made a mistake (sorry link in Japanese only). In my, possibly errant opinion, I don't think the Japanese legal system would ever admit that they executed the wrong person. The United States has certainly executed the wrong person. A CBS report showed that, from 1973 to 1995, in 5,800 cases that resulted in capital convictions, there was an error rate of 68%! Is there any doubt to anyone that this sort of error has happened many, many times in our history? 

Claude Jones was executed in Texas in 2000. Whoops! Wrong guy!

I am against the death penalty. Even if we know absolutely sure that someone committed a crime, we cannot make exceptions to the rule of law and change the law, or make new laws, for that individual. So, I am against the death penalty if only because having a death penalty means that, ultimately, we will someday execute the wrong person. I may agree that Hirata needs to die for his crimes... But, like I said, if we have a law that allows the execution of Hirata, then the law is on the books and that allows us the margin for error to, in the future, as in the past, to execute an innocent person. We must be a society of law and the rule of law. Not a society of mobs and mass disorder.

But I digress... This post is about Akemi Saito.

The girl next door? Saito Akemi

I think there are a lot of people like Akemi Saito running around Japan's big cities -  or any big cities around the world for that matter. Even though, in Japan, the cities are  bustling with people, they can be very lonely places. I've even read before that, when talking vending machines first came out, that they were popular with young people because they could at least hear someone's voice. I don't know if that's true or not. It is probably partly true, partly false.


But I do know that there are a very many lonely people here in these big cities...

Think about it; healthy people, in the first place, do not join cults. I would submit to you that healthy people may not even go to church at all. 

In Japan, often, church people go around to houses and pass out literature or ask for donations for this or that. But that word is not for me. 

I am always polite and kind to these people, and on blistering hot summer days, I sometimes offer them tea. They take that as a hint that I am interested in their church. I am not. Even so, I usually praise them for their selfless work towards their beliefs (I think that it is what they are supposed to do; "Spread the word"). Many times, these people will ask me to come to their church and attend services. I always decline.

At the front door of my house, I have a crucifix hanging over the door. Am I a Catholic? No. But when Mormons or Jehovah's Witness folks come by, they always ask me about it. People are surprised by my answer.

My crucifix

"Well, that was a present from a very high ranking Catholic priest from the Vatican who was once my friend long ago. I haven't seen him in years. He went back to Italy. I didn't know what to do with it, and I don't want to throw it in the trash can, so I hung it over the door. I figure any 'extra insurance' couldn't hurt." 


Hard core religious people are usually very surprised by that; worship of idols and all that...

Fact of the matter is even though I think these religions are all the same, I respect them all. If I had a Koran or a Torah or any other religious artifact or book, I feel guilty about throwing them away (my psychological quirk) so I don't want to accept anything from these kind people. (If someone cherishes something, I don't want to crumple up that and throw it in the trash... Perhaps I am too sentimental...)


They again ask me to attend their church, I always reply, "Sick people go to hospitals. I am not sick enough to need to go to a hospital now. If I do get that way, I will go. For now, the church in my heart is enough for me."

But I drone on. The point? I think that people are all sick. I think that people who go to church do so for a longing. It's not a bad thing; it's a good thing. To each, their own. It is human nature. I think that people who really get hard core into it, may be very sick and lonely. I think it might be a contradiction that today's society makes people sick... So, if you think about it, in today's world, being sick is the new normal.

Like I said, I'm sick. You're sick. Hirata is very sick. The sickest ones are the the people who won't admit or refuse to see that they are sick. Akemi Saito, the woman who "loved" Hirata (or what he represented) and hid him for all these years, how about her? Would you say that she is sick? I would.


These two are very sick and lost people.

These people need help. I hope that they don't sentence Hirata to death. I hope that Saito isn't sent to prison for decades. These people need help. 

Akemi Saito should not be sent to jail where she becomes a guest of the state (and a tax burden on you or me) she is sick. She should be in a mental hospital where she is a burden to her family and her insurance company. Hirata will, unfortunately be sent to death, which will cost the taxpayer millions. But he should be sent to an insane asylum for the criminally insane and be the likewise burden to his family and insurance company (if he had one).


I know the Nazi's did it, but I'd like to think that our civilized society doesn't imprison or execute mentally ill people.

NOTE: Even though I think these people are sick, I do not think that we can blame society. Everyone is master of their own destiny. That being said, is it anyone's doubt that finally, our political and legal system is broken? The government claims that we have the death penalty as a deterrent. But, history shows that this deterrent doesn't work. Why? Even with the death penalty, people commit premediated murder or mass and serial murders. This proves that the death penalty doesn't work as deterrent.

I suggest an economic solution to the problem. Say an insurance based one. Insurance companies insure everyone. If they insure someone, and that person commits murder, the insurance companies pay millions and that person loses everything in retribution (their home, bank accounts). You think that their family and loved ones losing their homes wouldn't be motivation to not commit crimes? I do. 

If someone is deemed a bad risk, they can't get insurance. No insurance? No car, no home, no job, no family. Sure this economic solution may sound draconian or like a utopian dream, but the political solution that we've been using for so many centuries is not working well.

Anyone with any other ideas? 

3 Kinds of Love: Fall in Love, Real Love and Spiritual Love. Only Two of Those are True Love

There are three kinds of love: Fall in Love, Real Love and Spiritual Love.

Bing Crosby Grace Kelly - True Love

Fall in Love is easy. People do it all the time. Most people will do this, perhaps,  dozens and dozens of times during their lives. Fall in Love usually starts in puberty when a youth falls in love with some star they've seen in magazines or on TV... Or they "Fall in Love" with a classmate that they've never really gotten to know. Fall in Love is "love" of someone, or more specifically speaking, "falling in love" with the "image" of someone. It is not falling in love with that true person. It is falling in love with who you think that person is, or wish them to be.

But don't think that Fall in Love is childish or silly. It is not. It could be the first step to Real or True Love.

Too many people today get married merely when they Fall in Love. That's why divorce is so high. People marry when they Fall in Love and then, once reality sets in, and they really get to know their partner, they decide that they weren't really in love at all, so they divorce. 

They divorce because building Real Love requires a lot of work and acceptance of one another's fault's and shortcomings. Building Real Love is not an easy process and takes years of give and take.

A very good friend of mine once told me that he could tell that my wife and I have True Love. He said that one big part of True Love is that it is not physical or involving animalistic tendencies or imagination. True Love involves and requires great sympathy. Sympathy for each other and all the things that we have to suffer through in life.

I think he is right. In a weird sense, I feel sorry for my wife. We have a wonderful life together and we have a wonderful son. We have a home, food and a job... But we are getting older. We are going to die. Perhaps she could have married someone better than me? Perhaps I stole her youth and took away her chances? It's a bizarre notion for most people to think this way, I believe, but it is this sympathy for your partner that is a strong bond for True Love.

Real Love is what, hopefully, our parents have for each other. Of course, it takes decades to build.

The last real love is Spiritual Love. This is the love between a person and their god or a mother and her child. No matter what happens, Spiritual Love cannot be broken. Whereas the other forms of love can be broken, Spiritual Love lives on even in death. A child could be a terrible criminal yet that child's mother will always love them. That is Spiritual Love.

It is the very lucky and fortunate few who marry when they Fall in Love, then they work to build Real Love and, one day, are blessed with Spiritual Love. 


From the above you can surmise that Real Love and Spiritual Love are the two forms of True Love.

It is this True Love and Spiritual Love that blesses far too few of the dying today in our society.

Building True Love and Spiritual Love is a long process that can require years, if not decades. 

I hope you have it. It doesn't come easy. You must work to build it.

If there is any lesson to be learned from my father's experience, then please remember this, and start building True Love today. For it is from True Love that Spiritual Love is born.

True Love requires that you open your heart and accept your partner for what they are and not what you imagine them to be. 

For tomorrow and your death will be here before you know it. As one of my good friend's always says, "Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die tomorrow."

For married partners or those living together, True Love can be yours. Dedication, even in death, can create Spiritual Love.

It is yours to create.

Taken from "True Love - Examples of a Dying Man"

The Best Christmas Present I've Ever Received - And You Can Give it Too!

Is it just me or are there any others who think the Christmas season in America (Japan too) has become an orgy of crass commercialism? Of course, that is a rhetorical question. I think most people do.

Christmas is no longer is it the heart-warming family get-together tradition of days long gone by. Christmas today has turned into a mad dash towards debt and poverty. It's not only debt and poverty concerning money and lifestyle, it is a poverty of the soul. One need only look at the news about "Black Friday" and the violence to see what Christmas in America has become. 


The only reason we celebrate Christmas at my house is that we have an 8-year-old. I could never be such a Grinch to deny a small boy Christmas.


Whatever happened to just getting together with family and friends and enjoying each others company? It's sad what has happened to the "Season to be jolly."


In that spirit though, I'd like to relate today about a great present I got when I was a kid... It is a present that I have received over and over these past 44 years. That was a wonderful present I received from a classmate of mine when I was a kid in Minnesota. His name was James Rudd and the present wasn't in a box. It was on his face and in his heart. Every time I see a box brightly wrapped as a present, I see Jim Rudd's face and that moment, the spirit of him, comes to visit me and I receive that wonderful gift yet again.


Even though I cannot transport my children into the past by use of a time machine, I want my children to know and experience the true joy of giving and receiving. Towards that end, I always try to relate to my kids the story of James Rudd.


When I was in forth grade, James Rudd, "Jim," wasn't really my good friend. He was a classmate. I am quite ashamed to admit that I think I wasn't very friendly to Jim because he was sometimes bullied by the other kids so, in order to make sure that they didn't bully me, I foolishly joined in in making fun of Jim. Jim was a down to earth dorky kind of kid that might remind you a lot of Opie Taylor from the Andy Griffith Show.

 Opie Taylor

In those days, at Christmas time, the kids in the classroom all shared in Christmas festivities by buying one present. The catch was that you didn't know who you were buying the present for! The rules were that each child could buy one gift of no more than two dollars. Each child would wrap the present and bring it to class and put it under the tree. When it came to the last day of school, before Christmas holiday, each child would draw a name out of a hat and receive the present from the person whose name they drew.


I was quite unhappy that I drew Jim Rudd's name because he wasn't "cool" and was kind of dorky (look who's talking!) I think I was so unhappy about that drawing that it showed up on my face for everyone to see.


When I went to the tree to grab the present Jim prepared, Jim came to sit in front of me at my desk. 


In those days, I was a World War II nut. I loved building plastic military models of planes, ships and tanks. Especially German tanks. I thought those were the coolest. Of course, in a class of 30 kids, with each kid buying one present to be selected at random by another child, there was no way to know what you were going to get.


To expect a King Tiger tank was probably setting myself up for a big letdown.


I got that letdown when I opened the present from Jim. It was a plastic model alright, but it was a plastic model of an old Spanish Galleon. I didn't like it at all. I am once again sad to admit that my disappointment probably greatly showed on my face even though I tried to hide it.

But then, after opening the plastic model, was when Jim Rudd gave me the present that he has been giving me every year since then. It was the present that has warmed my heart all these years. It is the story I have told my children repeatedly and am now sharing with you.


With disappointment on my face and sadness in my heart, after opening the present I looked straight into Jim eyes and he looked into mine. With the utmost sincerity and enthusiasm brimming over Jim smiled brightly to me and said, 


"Mike! I hope you like it!"


I could see from his eyes and his words that he meant it from the bottom of his soul. My heart melted and I thought, 


"Gee! What a really sweet, nice guy!"


Mere words on a paper could never express the way I felt at that time. Here was this incredibly sincere boy giving me a present (that he picked himself and thought was really cool) and was hoping that I would like it as much as he did.


He gave me something that he wanted! Not only that, he gave me sincerity, enthusiasm and a warm spirit of friendliness and a feeling that I will never forget until my dying day: With just one smile and six words, he gave me the true spirit of Christmas.


Jim Rudd, you gave me something that I have always remembered and I will never forget it. I recall it every year at every birthday party andChristmas and every gift-giving celebration. I wish I could give such a wonderful gift to someone someday.


I will cherish this memory all my life. And now, Jim, you allow me to share it with others. James Rudd, wherever you are, thank you so much sincerely from the bottom of my heart.... and Merry Christmas!

Betrayal and Loyalty: The Rules of Give and Take

We all have a sort of radar about people. Some of us are astute judges of character. Some not so much. Even so, those who are usually good at figuring people's motives out may get the short end. We sometimes we get burned by people we thought were on our side. We get cheated or ripped off by people who we had hoped were going to help us. Sometimes getting backstabbed by these sorts of people destroys our motivations and we veer off the course we had chosen.

DERWOOD ANDREWS - BACKSTABBERS

We get angry that these people who we trusted betrayed us. They become lowlife scum in our eyes... We obsess about them. We begin to get angry, resentful and maybe filled with hate. 


Not a healthy situation. 


Remember also, though, that it always takes two to tango so if you feel cheated or abused, part of it is your fault. People cannot take advantage of you unless you allow them to. I know I sound all high and mighty when I say this, but I speak from experience. I've felt betrayed before too and, unfortunately, done my fair share of betrayal back.


For the betrayal I committed I will always regret what I did until the day I die. In my case, it wasn't their fault. It was all my fault. I can never make the betrayal I committed "right" or fix things. Past is past. But my regret lives on forever. It's always on my mind somewhere.... 


I've had two people who recently told me about their experiences with betrayal. They both seemed a bit bitter. Both of them work in the music business. Both of them felt betrayed. The music business is famous for betrayal and broken promises. The music business and show business in general is the land of broken dreams.


But the sort of betrayal that I am talking about today is not limited to music or show business. This sort of trickery and betrayal is a part and parcel of human nature and can been witnessed anywhere and everywhere in any human endeavor. Being backstabbed and hurt by those your trusted happen in any business and in any personal relationship. We have to be careful.


A friend of mine recently quit Facebook. Her leaving Facebook is a loss for the world of music. She is instrumental in getting many rock bands the world over a chance at the big time. Of course, once these bands and artists use her to get what they want and they get their big chance (or what they perceive as their big break) they dump her and the people that helped them get to where they wanted to go. It's an old story.


It reminds me of a time long ago when my band often played at a club in Los Angeles called Club 88. The owner was a guy named Wayne (super nice man) and he gave us our first big break and let us play at his club. Wayne was married to a Japanese woman so perhaps he felt affinity for me as his kids were half-Japanese too (there weren't that many of us half-Japanese kids back in those days). Wayne was the only one who would let us play at a club in Los Angeles. We began playing at Club 88 once a month.

Club 88 poster without my band on it!

One day, after some piddling success on the FM radio in LA, my band arranged to play at another, bigger and more famous club across town. We decided that we would stop playing regularly at Club 88 (it wasn't as cool as this new club) and told Wayne that we weren't going to play at Club 88 anymore. As we loaded up our equipment into the van in the back parking lot behind his club, Wayne came out, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "Nice to know you guys are moving up in the world. Don't forget who helped you when you needed help and see you on the way down." 


His words shot through my heart like a silver bullet. I was stunned, speechless.


Later on, on the way down, I was too ashamed to go see him to ask if we could play his club again. We never played there nor met Wayne again.


I was a selfish jerk. I'm sure that when he agreed to let us play his club, we said things like, "Yeah! We'll always play your club even if we get really famous. Sure!" He'd probably heard that one a million times.


What a big lie.


It's like this in any business. When people want something from you, they will promise you the world. But they don't mean it.


The music business, like 99% of all businesses, ultimately is a business of trust. It takes a long time to build trust, but it takes just one action to destroy that trust. In the case of the music business most people come and go every 3 ~ 6 years. I think it is because the ones who can't make either just don't have "it" or, if they do, they are dishonest. I have met many talented people in the music industry who had talent but they didn't make the big time or floundered because they were untrustworthy. There are so many of those, I couldn't name them all.


There's no way you'll make it to the big time without the help of the people around you. They see what you are doing. They see how you treat people. If you think you can step on people all the way to the top, then you are dreaming. It can't be done (excepting in the movies about Hollywood!) 


In Japan, there are only a handful of people (just 5 or 6 foreigners) who have been in the music business for over 25 years and we all know each other. We may not be friends but we know each other, are respectful and can meet and have a laugh when the occasion arises.


Like I said, there have been innumerable people who came and went. I like to think most of those disappeared because they weren't honest. They were the type of people who would use you and promise you anything in order to get you to help them and, once you did help them, they'd dump you faster than a half-eaten Big Mac that's been sitting in the back of the car for the last week. 


In the case of the music business, be wary of people who talk smooth and nice and say "Yeah! Let's work together! You and me." Then when it comes to what you get paid, it is little or free because they say, "There's no money, but let's do it for the music!"


Sure. You do the music for free. They do it for the money using your music.


Now the point of this post... In my current new business, I often talk to music people and musicians, club owners and artists. I have learned my lesson, I never promise the world. I want to share with you a tidbit about how you can protect yourself in your business, any business, and get what you want whenever a "salesman" comes to you and asks for your help in his project. It's simple. Make every proposition a 50/50 proposition.


I don't mean 50/50 for money necessarily. I mean, you hear them out. Listen to what they want you to do for them (ignore the part about, "Let's work together! Let's do it for the music!") and then you make your requests about what it is that you want them to do for you. If they can't do your request or are unable to politically help you out, then there's no point in dealing with this person unless you are talking 50/50 on money. It's that simple.




Here's how I do it. I run a new company that helps artists promote their events and sell tickets. My company gets a commission for every ticket sold. The artists do not need to use our service. They can keep doing things the old way they always have: allow people to pay at the door. It's worked that way pretty well for decades.


My service allows them to sell advanced sale tickets and to promote on Social media so it is a powerful marketing and advertising tool. Some artists (and events and charities) have used our service and sold over 700 advanced sale tickets. Some events were sold out in two days! Now that is promotional power! But still, like I said, the old way has worked pretty well for a long time so many are not eager to change, don't want to think about change, and are suspicious of new things (of course).


Whenever I make a deal with someone, this is what I say,


"Here's the deal. I help you. You help me. This is what I want. Now, what do you want in return?" (I can give them airplay or promote them other ways too).  Doing this keeps everything professional and platonic. There's none of this slimy "do it for the music" or some other lofty ideal not based in the real world. 


I help you. You help me. I know where you stand. You know where I stand. None of this, "You help me out now and I help you out later" nonsense. It works out best that way. This is the professional way of handling business and the only good way to do so. If you do not handle your business this way, people will not respect you and they will think they can take advantage of you.


Remember, you have something they want. That means they must at least deal with you on equal terms.


Also remember that trust is so important so if you do promise to do something then you had better damned well do what you said you were going to do. The only excuse for not keeping a promise would be a 'death in the family' and that 'death' had better be yours. Promises are made to be kept.


There is nothing wrong with being professional and asking for remuneration (of some sort) for something that someone wants you to do for them. If, after a long time, you become friends and build trust with that person, you can begin to accept what they say at face value. Because, like I said, if they are running around doing sneaky stuff, they usually don't last more than a few years.    


Handling your business this way and knowing these things is how you can build true friendship, a true business partner or even to find your true soul mate in life.

BEATLES VS. MONKEES - PAPERBACK BELIEVER

This is a great example of a 50/50 deal!

It is give and take... If you are the one doing all the giving and the deal sounds too good to be true, it usually is. 


You are important and what you have and can do is valuable. Protect it like a professional would.


Like Shakespeare wrote: "All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players." Exactly! So manage your stage appearance in life as any professional manager or agent would do: Professionally. Always understand the rules of give and take.




For Allison Sane and Ohga. Luv!

What is True (Real) Love? An Example of a Dying Man

Not that anyone probably really cares, but I had promised a while back to write about the situation concerning my ill father now on hospice. I had briefly made a post before, here, and have been struggling on what, exactly, to put to paper. If you've ever dealt with, or seen, one of your parents or grandparents on hospice, then you'll know what a messy and terrible experience that it can be.


This is not designed to be a complaint or attack on anyone. It is just thoughts jotted down on paper.


Once on hospice there are no miracles for the ill. There isn't even any faith or hope for a miracle or any "getting better" on hospice. There is only an attempt to comfort the sick. There is only waiting for "the end." 


This lack of faith begins to do strange things to the survivors, it seems. This, for me, is the most disturbing part of the human reaction to those around the dying; the lack of faith and the morality this situation creates among the living.


As when Jesus walked on water in Matthew 14:



 ²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
 ²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
 ²⁹ “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 
³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

The worst part of a hospice situation is the lack of hope and, often, even the lack of faith. Perhaps there needn't be any faith to cure the ill. All mortals die. But the lack of faith of those who remain is the part that bothers me most. This is the most tragic part of this; the lack of faith. 


This lack of faith can take many forms. It can be a lack of faith in the Maker or it can come as a lack of faith in fellow humanity who seem to be motivated by money or greed.


Too often it seems that there are those who are around and near the dying who are not motivated by love and that is what contributes to a lack of dignity for the dying. Admittedly, there can be many reasons and stress that cause ordinarily decent people to act insane. 


As I wrote before in this very blog:

They say that when someone in a family gets a serious illness, like, say, cancer, everyone in that household gets cancer. Well, I think it must be true.

My dad is extremely sick and near death... But everyone is this household is extremely sick.

I don't want to bother nor bore you with details of what has transpired to my father. There are many. But let me give one example that is a microcosm of the entire affair. This is a distasteful incident but it will lead me into the purpose of this post and what I want to say about "What is true love?" 

Here is a brief explanation of just one incident that I had to relate to another family member (please bear with me as it will be soon explained what this has to do with the subject of True Love):

One night, my father was seriously constipated and in great pain. His primary caregiver decided he needed an enema. She ordered me to help hold up my father in a sitting on hands and knees position as he is too weak and frail to do so by himself. I did as I was told. He was heavy. 

She administered the enema. 

The stool was greatly impacted and my father was screaming in intense pain. I could see the impacted stool from my position. It wasn't coming out. My father kept screaming to the primary caregiver, "Sandra! (not her real name) Put your finger in there and pull it out." 


Sandra refused to do that. 

She screamed at him, "I am not going to do that! I am not your wife!"

I was appalled at what she said. I held up my father with my right arm and then held out my left hand and told Sandra, "Give me the gloves, I'll do it." I couldn't move my position as, if I did, my father would have collapsed and he was already in great pain.

For some God-knows-why reason, Sandra refused to give me a glove. She was adamant and said "No!"

Then, my father, screaming in agony, stuck his own finger in his anus and shoveled out the stool. 

He was in terrible pain and swearing to God almighty. His primary caregiver refused to do this basic function of a nurse and caregiver. She was berating him for soiling the bed.

Nurses shovel out stool all the time. She refused. Things are going to get worse.

Once again, I'm sorry for the disgusting play by play, but that's the way things are everyday on hospice. The lucky ones are the ones who have primary caregivers who do what they do for love. 


When she said, "...I am not your wife!" I felt sorry for my father and for her too. It has nothing to do with being a wife. It has to do with human empathy and suffering. Be it love of the sick or love of humanity, it doesn't matter. 


Love is an integral part towards giving the dying dignity. And, who hasn't heard, "What goes around, comes around?"

I am saddened to say that I wish my father's primary caregiver had more love and empathy. That she doesn't shows just how ill she really is and how much she needs to be pitied.

When I told my wife of this story she said to me, "When that happens to you. Don't worry, I will do that for you." 


I know she will. 

My wife and I have True Love. I hope you do and, if you don't, I hope you can get it someday too.

Let me now explain what this has to do with the title of this post: What is True Love?

There are three kinds of love: Fall in Love, True Love and Spiritual Love.

Fall in Love is easy. People do it all the time. Most people will do this, perhaps,  dozens and dozens of times during their lives. Fall in Love usually starts in puberty when a youth falls in love with some star they've seen in magazines or on TV... Or they "Fall in Love" with a classmate that they've never really gotten to know. Fall in Love is "love" of someone, or more specifically speaking, "falling in love" with the "image" of someone. It is not falling in love with that true person. It is falling in love with who you think that person is, or wish them to be.

But don't think that Fall in Love is childish or silly. It is not. It could be the first step to True Love.

Too many people today get married merely when they Fall in Love. That's why divorce is so high. People marry when they Fall in Love and then, once reality sets in, and they really get to know their partner, they decide that they weren't really in love at all, so they divorce. 

They divorce because building True (real) Love requires a lot of work and acceptance of one another's fault's and shortcomings. Building True Love is not an easy process and takes years of give and take.

A very good friend of mine once told me that he could tell that my wife and I have True Love. He said that one big part of True Love is that it is not physical or involving animalistic tendencies or imagination. True Love involves and requires great sympathy. Sympathy for each other and all the things that we have to suffer through in life.

I think he is right. In a weird sense, I feel sorry for my wife. We have a wonderful life together and we have a wonderful son. We have a home, food and a job... But we are getting older. We are going to die. Perhaps she could have married someone better than me? Perhaps I stole her youth and took away her chances? It's a bizarre notion for most people to think this way, I believe, but it is this sympathy for your partner that is a strong bond for True Love.

True Love is what, hopefully, our parents have for each other. Of course, it takes decades to build.

The last real love is Spiritual Love. This is the love between a person and their god or a mother and her child. No matter what happens, Spiritual Love cannot be broken. Whereas the other forms of love can be broken, Spiritual Love lives on even in death. A child could be a terrible criminal yet that child's mother will always love them. That is Spiritual Love.

It is the very lucky and fortunate few who marry when they Fall in Love, then they work to build True Love and, one day, are blessed with Spiritual Love.

It is this True Love or Spiritual Love that blesses far too few of the dying today in our society.

Building True and Spiritual Love is a long process that can require years, if not decades. 

I hope you have it. It doesn't come easy. You must work to build it.

If there is any lesson to be learned from my father's experience, then please remember this, and start building True Love today. For it is from True Love that Spiritual Love is born.

True Love requires that you open your heart and accept your partner for what they are and not what you imagine them to be. 

For tomorrow and your death will be here before you know it. As one of my good friend's always says, "Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die tomorrow."

For married partners or those living together, True Love can be yours. Dedication, even in death, can create Spiritual Love.


It is yours to create.

Thanks to Alan Tanaka, Sharon Kennedy, Yuri Tsujimoto whose own stories helped inspire this post. Hopefully it might help even one other person in the future. Thanks my friends.