Amazingly Enough, In Spite of Us Parents, Most Kids Turn Out Alright

I think it is safe to say that pretty much all parents worry about their children's future. Of course we worry about their health and safety, but I'm talking about something else; I'm talking about worrying about their future as in, "Can they get a job after getting out of school?" "Will they be productive members of society?" or, even worse, "Will they straighten out and stay out of jail?"

Some parents might laugh at that last one but I don't. I didn't. When my two older daughters were junior high school students, I seriously worried if they were ever going to straighten out and fly right. In fact, in my oldest daughters case, I was so worried that she'd lead a life of crime, wind up with no family and be homeless, that I didn't care if she married this Yakuza gangster guy she was hanging out with! I actually thought my daughter marrying a Yakuza was probably a good thing. Please refer to and article that I wrote six years ago entitled, "Yakuza: Japanese Modern-Day Cowboys"


My oldest daughter was seriously dating a Yakuza a while back. She still could be, I don't know. I hope she is. I wish she'd settle down with a nice, hard-working guy who makes a decent living. When my ex-wife found out that Diane (not her real name) was dating this Yakuza-guy, everyone on their side of the family freaked out. They called me and told me to do something. "Do something about what?" I asked. I was happy about my daughter dating a Yakuza. I mean, every family needs a doctor, a lawyer, and a gangster in it to keep the family together. What's the problem? Some readers may think I jest here, but I certainly do not.  

Awww. How cute! Who could have know that a few years later they'd be criminal monsters? Here we are celebrating 七五三 (Shichi-go-san) 7-5-3 children's day.

Seriously folks, these two seemingly honest and cute little girls had started growing up and heading for big trouble. 


By 12 years old, my oldest daughter had become "Gaki Taisho" (ガキ大将) "Boss of the kids" at school. By 14 years old, she was constantly in trouble and in danger of being expelled. By 15 she was constantly in trouble with the police and getting arrested for all sorts of dumb things like stealing motorcycles and whatever else wasn't bolted down.


I think when she just turned 17, she did something really bad (for the umpteenth time) and almost had to spend one year of her life in Juvenile Delinquency prison. This would have been a very bad outcome because, as statistics show, once in prison, a huge percentage of those spend the rest of their lives going in and out of prison so the police and court systems are hesitant to send young people into prison in the first place. Thank heaven for that! 


The second daughter, whom I had never imagined to be the terror the first one was, was also guilty of many crimes and, as a 15-year-old, actually the mastermind of a group of minors who were committing grand larceny. So bad were her and her friend's crime escapades that they drew the attention of the  Metropolitan police of Tokyo and, I'd find out later, that a three-month dragnet was set out to catch them. Oh and catch them they did! And, when they did, to my total and utter astonishment, it made the front pages of every major Japanese newspaper in the country!


Now, I'm all for thinking big and when I was 17, I was arrested and made the front pages of the newspaper, but that was only local. My daughter, at 15, made national news! (Kind of reminds me of Richard Branson's teacher telling him that he's, "Either going to prison or going to be a millionaire.")

Former crime syndicate leaders

What made the news so shocking was that this crime syndicate that had been busted by police sting was guilty of devising a brilliant plan whereby they stole in the neighborhood of over $10,000 a day, in broad daylight, right on video camera, and the police had no idea of what they looked like!!! (How's that for the creative mind of children?) 


The police thought they were out to catch old time Yakuza gangsters who had come out with this brilliant plot. But the police were dumbfounded when they arrested the perpetraitors of this devious deal and they were all 15 & 16-year-old girls!


Yeah. 15 & 16-year-old girls with their Hello Kitty bags and designer clothes and stuff. Real desperadoes!


I couldn't believe it either. I think I started off on a three day drunk when this news broke. Thank god my wife handled all of this for me. I was too much of a wreck to do anything...

What I looked like (and felt like) in those days

I wonder if these two girls didn't do these things to make me pay more attention to them? That could be the case. Come to think of it, I was too busy working and too busy being a doofus to be too much of a good father. I blame myself for these incidences. I wrote about these regrets once. I summed all this up in, A Message For Fathers: Most Men Die With Regrets

I have four children. Julie and Sheena were born to my first wife. That wife and I divorced after seven years of marriage and I raised those two girls by myself. I remarried three years later and Wendy was born. When Wendy (17) got sick as a baby and then recovered from cancer, she wasn't able to live with her sisters for at least 6 years due to chemo-therapy treatments so her mother and I divorced and Wendy went away to live with her mother. 

I remarried again for the third time and Wray (8) was born.

Julie and Sheena often had trouble at school and sometimes with the police when they were teenagers. I regret that I didn't spend enough time with them, but with trying to pay to raise them, I didn't have the time I needed. I hired several nannies and they raised them. One nanny was the main one, but she wasn't full-time. I will always regret that I missed their childhood and didn't spend the time with them that I should have.

Yes. I didn't spend the time with them that I should have. That time is now gone. I wish I had paid more attention when they were school kids. But, I think, as the public education system falters in the USA and Japan, I could be a symptom of one of the reasons: Today's parent does not spend enough time with their kids and expects the school and the teachers to raise those kids and teach them in the parent's place. This, folks, doesn't work well and I think we have 40 years of history to prove it.


My I get slightly off the subject for a moment?

The other day, I had a nice exchange with a friend, Andrew, who runs the It's a Wonderful Rife blog. Andrew was a professional teacher in Japan and writes some very interesting stories about his life here. Andrew has asked me why the teacher's in Japan take such a strong parental role in raising the children and why they are reluctant to notify the parents of trouble. He asked me "Mike, are the parents are ever notified of wrongdoings by the children?" 

I responded: 

"Andrew, nowadays I think, the school's are ever reluctant to tell the parents about the hell the kids are raising because of how many useless and incompetent parents we have running around "raising" kids ... My wife was just telling me this morning about a father who was unhappy with some sort of discipline his son's school meted out to his son. So unhappy was this father that he decided to show some parental guidance and express his displeasure by going to the school at night and setting it on fire. Well, as "Mr. Firemountian" (火山) was trying to light the school on fire, someone saw him and he got his butt arrested. Funny that."

I continued; 

"Let me tell you about my girls when they were 14 or so... Terrors, they were. They'd do all sorts of things, pranks, hijinks, felonies... Yes. You read that last one right. I'd get calls from the school... Other times I'd get calls from the police. The oldest daughter got arrested for something and then was put of "juvenile delinquent" parole for a year where she had to appear before a parole officer once a week otherwise she'd have to sit in jail. I was such a useless father that at one time, these calls from the school, the police, and being summoned by both, got to be so much that I finally told both the school and the cops, "Don't call me anymore!" I also told my daughters, "Look, do what you want. Just don't have the police or the principal calling me anymore, alright?" Oh the memories!"

By the way, this little episode shows the troubles the schools and police have with parents. I didn't think I was a bad parent (I realize that I was a terrible one now) but the school and the police (juvenile division) are actually reformers and are trying their best to keep the kids out of future trouble. They are trying to connect with the parents and communicate so that they can work together to keep the kids out of trouble and from falling in with the wrong people. What are they to do when the the kids aren't nearly as screwed up as the parents?


Is it any wonder that the kids are screwed up when they have parents who are people like me?

Let me tell you about another vignette about another girl who was my oldest daughter's friend when they were both 14 years old or so. One day, this girl, I think her name was Yuko, came over to visit. She stayed over night at our home a few nights. I would find out later that she was arrested by the police, put in handcuffs, and taken to the big Shibuya police station. What she was arrested for I never found out.

Shibuya Police Station. Seat of Government power and incompetence.

Anyway, this Shibuya police station is one of the biggest police stations in all of Tokyo. Get this: While she was sitting in handcuffs on the forth floor of this huge police station, with cops crawling around everywhere, this 14-year-old desperado escaped! No kidding! She told me that, when no one was looking,  she just got up and walked into the women's restroom and then walked out of the building like nothing happened. When she told me this, I just couldn't believe it. How incompetent could those dumb police be? 


I never did find out how she got the handcuffs off either but knowing my oldest daughter, that wouldn't be a problem in the world.



As she and my daughter were telling me all this stuff my eyes grew wider. Look, I wasn't an angel when I was a kid either and had been arrested a few times before myself (pranks and raising hell) so what these kids were doing didn't really surprise me. But when she and my daughter told me that Yuko was making good money collecting $400 a pop being a prostitute for businessmen coming up from Osaka, I hit the roof. They told me that Yuko had to go right then and meet this guy for a business transaction. I said, "No!"



I told her to stay there and got a hold of her dad and what a mistake that was! This father was even more useless than me! He didn't care about his 14 year old daughter prostituting herself at all. All he cared about was if she was going to join a motorcycle gang with my daughter or not!!!! Really!



I wanted to slap him. These two girls had drawn pictures in their junior high school class notebooks that showed pink colored 50cc motor scooters and called it something stupid like, "Pink Dragons" and this terrified Yuko's father. "Order them to not make a bike gang!" the father pleaded! 

Yeah. Really scary stuff

What a poor excuse for a dad. And I thought I was bad. The drawings of the "Pink Dragons" motorcycle gang looked vicious and deadly. Yeah. Real deadly. It all looked like something "cute" you'd see in a Japanese comic book like Sailor Moon would have as her evil twin sister; they even had their own colors and cool pink matching jackets and pants and everything!



And this father was worried about their comic book fantasies more than the sick fantasies some pervert was going to have with his child. Get that? HIS OWN CHILD I wanted to strangle him. WHAT PLANET WAS HE LIVING ON? 



Moron! I hope Yuko has turned out okay. Maybe she met a nice guy and got married and, at 21, has three kids, a husband who drinks too much and works very hard in a blue collar job like construction or driving a truck. The typical Japanese blue collar family; they don't have a lot, but they have each other and that's enough. I do wish that she is happy.  



But back to my girls... The few escapades I've described above (and those are just a few) were a long time ago and luckily for me (and my daughters) they straightened out and now have good jobs where they are doing what they like to do... In spite of my poor parenting. The oldest is a professional jazz singer who is signed to one of the most famous agencies in all of Japan and will have her album debut this year and the second one is pursuing her dream to be a world-class lighting director and is now gainfully employed at the most famous concert/dance/event hall in Tokyo. 



As for other kids who had troubles before: Several years ago, I hosted a very popular morning drive time FM radio show in Tokyo and we'd often have events whereby I could meet the listeners and the fans. Sometimes hundreds of them would attend these get-togethers. We became friends. Many of them told me of their own youth; some of them were trouble-makers; in trouble with school and the law. Some of them had spent time in jail. But many of them told me that, one day, they realized on their own that they had to straighten out and stay out of trouble because daddy and mommy aren't going to be there forever to help them. Now, these folks have jobs and families and people (big and little) who depend on them and love them very much.



It is the way it should be.



So parents, I think the times comes for all of us to worry about our kids. But fear not! Be patient and try to understand. I always try to remember the crazy stuff I did when I was young.



It seems, no matter how much we, as parents screwup our kids, it seems to me that, in most cases, somehow they are able to judge what is right and turn their lives out for the best.


If your kids are in school now and get into some sort of trouble; instead of you, the parent, telling them that they need to pay more attention, perhaps you, the parent, should pay more attention to them. 


It couldn't hurt. 



Make sure that your kids know that you love them and care.... If they are having troubles at school or elsewhere, find comfort in the fact that these things usually pass. Try not to be a negative part of this experience.


 

A Message for Fathers: Most Men Die With Regrets

... They die that way because they became fathers and then, one day, they realize that they missed out on their child's childhood. My 80-year-old father mentioned this to me before he died this year.

What a waste.


Most men don't realize this until they are in their late 50s through 80s - until they die.


I am one of the lucky few. I realized it when I was in my mid thirties. The reason why I was lucky enough to realize it is because most dads get married and then they have two or three children within a few years. They also consistently repeat the same mistakes with the second and third child that they made with the first child. Then they don't get a second chance. They raise the children together, of course. Not me, my kids are 20 years apart in age.


I have four children. Julie (27) and Sheena (22) were born to my first wife. That wife and I divorced after seven years of marriage and I raised those two girls by myself. I remarried three years later and Wendy was born. When Wendy (17) got sick as a baby and then recovered from cancer, she wasn't able to live with her sisters for at least 6 years due to chemo-therapy treatments so her mother and I divorced and Wendy went away to live with her mother. 


I remarried again for the third time and Wray (8) was born.


Julie and Sheena often had trouble at school and sometimes with the police when they were teenagers. I regret that I didn't spend enough time with them, but with trying to pay to raise them, I didn't have the time I needed. I hired several nannies and they raised them. One nanny was the main one, but she wasn't full-time. I will always regret that I missed their childhood and didn't spend the time with them that I should have.


So, one day, my second wife, a wonderful woman, married me and my two daughters and Wendy was born.


When Wendy got cancer, I was devastated. One day she was fine. The next day she couldn't walk. A few days later she was in the hospital for the next 2 years. Then, when she was released she had to move away to save her life. I will always regret that I missed her childhood and didn't spend the time with her that I could have.


But, like I said, I am lucky. God gave me more chances (so, perhaps there is a silver lining to divorce). I don't want to miss Wray's childhood. When he was born, I often took care of him. I spent time with him and took him for walks everyday for the first two years in his baby carriage. Then, from age 1 1/2 until 7, I went to bed with him every night at 8 pm and we read books together before going to sleep. I make his breakfast at least 320 days a year and eat dinner with him at least 3 or 4 nights a week. I still do.


I always try to come home before 5:30 pm.


I want to live with Wray with no regrets. God gave me another chance I won't waste it. I cannot get back the time with my other children but I can make sure that I don't repeat my mistakes. I will always regret about my first three daughters, but I am trying not to regret with Wray.


You fathers please listen to me. Take my advice. 


Yesterday, Sunday afternoon, the piano school Wray goes to had a Christmas piano concert. I looked at the crowd in attendance. I estimated that there were 27 moms and about 5 grandmas there. The dads? A pretty poor showing. Seemed like 7 fathers and 4 grandfathers. With 27 moms, there should have been 27 dads but there were only 7. Where were the others? What is so important that they miss their child's performance?

The children all performed their hearts out and smiled brightly when their performances ended. Even when it wasn't my son playing, I cried at some of the performances.


Here were these innocent, pure and bright young children playing their hearts out for their moms and dads and grandmas and grandpas. Oh what a joyous occasion it was.


What an even more joyous occasion it could have been had those other 20 fathers bothered to attend. I wonder if any of those fathers were you, dear reader? Or were they you at a different time at a different occasion?


Where were those fathers? Were they Golfing? At home sleeping? Working? Like I said, ultimately what is more important to all of us than our children?


Think about it my friends, what do we work for? Why do we chase the all mighty dollar?


We do it to give our families a place to live and a roof over their heads and food and a happy family.


Think about that last part, "... a happy family." Is a family truly happy when the father is not around? Take, for example this Christmas concert. How many Christmas concerts will your 8-year-old son or daughter perform at? Well, when you stop to think about it, kids are only eight once and Christmas comes only once a year.... That means once.


How often can you go golfing or work or sleep on the couch?

I hope that you, in the New Year, will think about what I am saying. Like I wrote, very few people have the luck to have raised children that are 20 years apart in age. I do. Listen to what I say. 


Share time now with your children because now isn't coming back ever again. Give your child a hug and spend time with them while you can. 

The future is coming sooner than you can imagine. Don't kid yourself. No matter how much time you spend with your children, one day, you'll wish you had spent more. Do it now.

Three Generations to Greatness

"It's one generation from a pickaxe to a putter. And the next generation from a tuxedo to a tramp." - Will Rogers


Yesterday's blog post about motivating children reminded me of what is considered the ways to greatness for classical pianists. It is called, Three Generations to Greatness. It is what the classical music world considers the minimum for a pianist to be in order to become truly great. Basically; it takes three generations of family effort and diligence to create one piano child prodigy. 


I thought that this story might be useful to those of us who sometimes wonder why they are on this earth and what their purpose is.


I say this because, I, too, sometimes wonder what the legacy is that I will leave on this planet after I die. I have begun to have these thoughts because of the recent death of my own father. Of course, I loved my mother and father and miss them so... But what was their legacy?


Take my father for example, his legacy is much different than my mother's because things changed greatly for our family after my mom's death. Our family fell apart. What does that make my dad's legacy?


A former marine. Three sons who do not speak to each other. Some very old photos of his mom and family and a marine dress uniform that he left to me to care for as he said he wasn't sure that my brothers would do so properly.


Is that all? I'm sure that's all. Unfortunately. And, when you stop to think about it, in the overall picture of things, that's just about all for 99.99999999999% of all the world's people.


In 2003, I started writing for blogs. In 2005, I wrote my first and only book. Why did I write these books? Well, I wanted to leave a legacy... Something to be remembered by. I want to write another book soon too. Oh, and I want to do oil painting again...


Alas...


I look at the old and tattered photos that my father gave me of his dear mother. Is this her legacy?


The other day, I went to meet a friend named Kieruto Duits who runs a business called "Old Photos of Japan." There Kieruto takes old photos of the people and places of old Japan and lovingly immortalizes them for future use. This seems a wonderful way to leave a legacy. Guys like Kieruto, I know, will take care of my old photos of my mother taken before the war. I am going to give mine to him. I am also going to give him some important family photos of Japanese soldiers before WWII.


But I digress...


Most of us haven't an very old photos or we haven't written a book (my book is terrible and a waste!) neither do most of us paint like Picasso or sing like the Beatles nor compose like Mozart....


But! Aha! There is a key there! Mozart! Music!... Maybe our legacy is not in and of ourselves, perhaps our legacy is in our children! The title of this post is "Three Generations to Greatness." It is true. "Three Generations to Greatness" is what is said it takes, in the world of classical music, for a child to become a great pianist.


Let me explain how, what you do today, can lead to greatness someday using the example of "Three Generations to Greatness." First off, more detail as to what exactly is the three generations.


Here's the story: It is said that it requires three generations of effort and parenting to build a piano genius. The typical story goes like this:


Grandfather works hard as a day laborer. He struggles and saves. He builds a good business. He doesn't want his children to struggle and suffer as he did. He wants them to become doctors or lawyers. He wants them to study culture and art. He makes the children take piano lessons. He works hard and sends them to good universities. 


The children never become good pianists. Why? Because, after lessons, when they are home, there is no one to play and practice with. After all, we all know that you become proficient or great when you practice and hone your craft with someone who knows that craft.


Later, the children grow up. They become doctors or lawyers. They want their children to have the same or better. They want their children (the grandchildren) to study culture and art. They make the children take piano lessons. They work hard to send their children to good universities. 


Same as grandfather, right? Wrong. Now, these grandchildren, when they come home from piano practice (once a week for one hour) they have someone who knows how to play and practice. They have someone at home whom they can enjoy the piano with.


If that someone is their mother and she is working at home, then these children have a massive head-start on others who have no one to practice or play with.


This is why, say traditional musicians, such as American country or Jazz musicians, are thought to be so great: They start practicing with grandpa when they were little kids. That's why they are so proficient and such awesome musicians when they are 25-years-old! 


The moral of the story? Even though what you do now may not seem, at first, to be any sort of creation of a legacy, remember that what you teach your children, they will teach theirs. 


Treat your children with respect. Learn what motivates them. Help them flourish and bloom. Create your legacy.