Amazingly Enough, In Spite of Us Parents, Most Kids Turn Out Alright

I think it is safe to say that pretty much all parents worry about their children's future. Of course we worry about their health and safety, but I'm talking about something else; I'm talking about worrying about their future as in, "Can they get a job after getting out of school?" "Will they be productive members of society?" or, even worse, "Will they straighten out and stay out of jail?"

Some parents might laugh at that last one but I don't. I didn't. When my two older daughters were junior high school students, I seriously worried if they were ever going to straighten out and fly right. In fact, in my oldest daughters case, I was so worried that she'd lead a life of crime, wind up with no family and be homeless, that I didn't care if she married this Yakuza gangster guy she was hanging out with! I actually thought my daughter marrying a Yakuza was probably a good thing. Please refer to and article that I wrote six years ago entitled, "Yakuza: Japanese Modern-Day Cowboys"


My oldest daughter was seriously dating a Yakuza a while back. She still could be, I don't know. I hope she is. I wish she'd settle down with a nice, hard-working guy who makes a decent living. When my ex-wife found out that Diane (not her real name) was dating this Yakuza-guy, everyone on their side of the family freaked out. They called me and told me to do something. "Do something about what?" I asked. I was happy about my daughter dating a Yakuza. I mean, every family needs a doctor, a lawyer, and a gangster in it to keep the family together. What's the problem? Some readers may think I jest here, but I certainly do not.  

Awww. How cute! Who could have know that a few years later they'd be criminal monsters? Here we are celebrating 七五三 (Shichi-go-san) 7-5-3 children's day.

Seriously folks, these two seemingly honest and cute little girls had started growing up and heading for big trouble. 


By 12 years old, my oldest daughter had become "Gaki Taisho" (ガキ大将) "Boss of the kids" at school. By 14 years old, she was constantly in trouble and in danger of being expelled. By 15 she was constantly in trouble with the police and getting arrested for all sorts of dumb things like stealing motorcycles and whatever else wasn't bolted down.


I think when she just turned 17, she did something really bad (for the umpteenth time) and almost had to spend one year of her life in Juvenile Delinquency prison. This would have been a very bad outcome because, as statistics show, once in prison, a huge percentage of those spend the rest of their lives going in and out of prison so the police and court systems are hesitant to send young people into prison in the first place. Thank heaven for that! 


The second daughter, whom I had never imagined to be the terror the first one was, was also guilty of many crimes and, as a 15-year-old, actually the mastermind of a group of minors who were committing grand larceny. So bad were her and her friend's crime escapades that they drew the attention of the  Metropolitan police of Tokyo and, I'd find out later, that a three-month dragnet was set out to catch them. Oh and catch them they did! And, when they did, to my total and utter astonishment, it made the front pages of every major Japanese newspaper in the country!


Now, I'm all for thinking big and when I was 17, I was arrested and made the front pages of the newspaper, but that was only local. My daughter, at 15, made national news! (Kind of reminds me of Richard Branson's teacher telling him that he's, "Either going to prison or going to be a millionaire.")

Former crime syndicate leaders

What made the news so shocking was that this crime syndicate that had been busted by police sting was guilty of devising a brilliant plan whereby they stole in the neighborhood of over $10,000 a day, in broad daylight, right on video camera, and the police had no idea of what they looked like!!! (How's that for the creative mind of children?) 


The police thought they were out to catch old time Yakuza gangsters who had come out with this brilliant plot. But the police were dumbfounded when they arrested the perpetraitors of this devious deal and they were all 15 & 16-year-old girls!


Yeah. 15 & 16-year-old girls with their Hello Kitty bags and designer clothes and stuff. Real desperadoes!


I couldn't believe it either. I think I started off on a three day drunk when this news broke. Thank god my wife handled all of this for me. I was too much of a wreck to do anything...

What I looked like (and felt like) in those days

I wonder if these two girls didn't do these things to make me pay more attention to them? That could be the case. Come to think of it, I was too busy working and too busy being a doofus to be too much of a good father. I blame myself for these incidences. I wrote about these regrets once. I summed all this up in, A Message For Fathers: Most Men Die With Regrets

I have four children. Julie and Sheena were born to my first wife. That wife and I divorced after seven years of marriage and I raised those two girls by myself. I remarried three years later and Wendy was born. When Wendy (17) got sick as a baby and then recovered from cancer, she wasn't able to live with her sisters for at least 6 years due to chemo-therapy treatments so her mother and I divorced and Wendy went away to live with her mother. 

I remarried again for the third time and Wray (8) was born.

Julie and Sheena often had trouble at school and sometimes with the police when they were teenagers. I regret that I didn't spend enough time with them, but with trying to pay to raise them, I didn't have the time I needed. I hired several nannies and they raised them. One nanny was the main one, but she wasn't full-time. I will always regret that I missed their childhood and didn't spend the time with them that I should have.

Yes. I didn't spend the time with them that I should have. That time is now gone. I wish I had paid more attention when they were school kids. But, I think, as the public education system falters in the USA and Japan, I could be a symptom of one of the reasons: Today's parent does not spend enough time with their kids and expects the school and the teachers to raise those kids and teach them in the parent's place. This, folks, doesn't work well and I think we have 40 years of history to prove it.


My I get slightly off the subject for a moment?

The other day, I had a nice exchange with a friend, Andrew, who runs the It's a Wonderful Rife blog. Andrew was a professional teacher in Japan and writes some very interesting stories about his life here. Andrew has asked me why the teacher's in Japan take such a strong parental role in raising the children and why they are reluctant to notify the parents of trouble. He asked me "Mike, are the parents are ever notified of wrongdoings by the children?" 

I responded: 

"Andrew, nowadays I think, the school's are ever reluctant to tell the parents about the hell the kids are raising because of how many useless and incompetent parents we have running around "raising" kids ... My wife was just telling me this morning about a father who was unhappy with some sort of discipline his son's school meted out to his son. So unhappy was this father that he decided to show some parental guidance and express his displeasure by going to the school at night and setting it on fire. Well, as "Mr. Firemountian" (火山) was trying to light the school on fire, someone saw him and he got his butt arrested. Funny that."

I continued; 

"Let me tell you about my girls when they were 14 or so... Terrors, they were. They'd do all sorts of things, pranks, hijinks, felonies... Yes. You read that last one right. I'd get calls from the school... Other times I'd get calls from the police. The oldest daughter got arrested for something and then was put of "juvenile delinquent" parole for a year where she had to appear before a parole officer once a week otherwise she'd have to sit in jail. I was such a useless father that at one time, these calls from the school, the police, and being summoned by both, got to be so much that I finally told both the school and the cops, "Don't call me anymore!" I also told my daughters, "Look, do what you want. Just don't have the police or the principal calling me anymore, alright?" Oh the memories!"

By the way, this little episode shows the troubles the schools and police have with parents. I didn't think I was a bad parent (I realize that I was a terrible one now) but the school and the police (juvenile division) are actually reformers and are trying their best to keep the kids out of future trouble. They are trying to connect with the parents and communicate so that they can work together to keep the kids out of trouble and from falling in with the wrong people. What are they to do when the the kids aren't nearly as screwed up as the parents?


Is it any wonder that the kids are screwed up when they have parents who are people like me?

Let me tell you about another vignette about another girl who was my oldest daughter's friend when they were both 14 years old or so. One day, this girl, I think her name was Yuko, came over to visit. She stayed over night at our home a few nights. I would find out later that she was arrested by the police, put in handcuffs, and taken to the big Shibuya police station. What she was arrested for I never found out.

Shibuya Police Station. Seat of Government power and incompetence.

Anyway, this Shibuya police station is one of the biggest police stations in all of Tokyo. Get this: While she was sitting in handcuffs on the forth floor of this huge police station, with cops crawling around everywhere, this 14-year-old desperado escaped! No kidding! She told me that, when no one was looking,  she just got up and walked into the women's restroom and then walked out of the building like nothing happened. When she told me this, I just couldn't believe it. How incompetent could those dumb police be? 


I never did find out how she got the handcuffs off either but knowing my oldest daughter, that wouldn't be a problem in the world.



As she and my daughter were telling me all this stuff my eyes grew wider. Look, I wasn't an angel when I was a kid either and had been arrested a few times before myself (pranks and raising hell) so what these kids were doing didn't really surprise me. But when she and my daughter told me that Yuko was making good money collecting $400 a pop being a prostitute for businessmen coming up from Osaka, I hit the roof. They told me that Yuko had to go right then and meet this guy for a business transaction. I said, "No!"



I told her to stay there and got a hold of her dad and what a mistake that was! This father was even more useless than me! He didn't care about his 14 year old daughter prostituting herself at all. All he cared about was if she was going to join a motorcycle gang with my daughter or not!!!! Really!



I wanted to slap him. These two girls had drawn pictures in their junior high school class notebooks that showed pink colored 50cc motor scooters and called it something stupid like, "Pink Dragons" and this terrified Yuko's father. "Order them to not make a bike gang!" the father pleaded! 

Yeah. Really scary stuff

What a poor excuse for a dad. And I thought I was bad. The drawings of the "Pink Dragons" motorcycle gang looked vicious and deadly. Yeah. Real deadly. It all looked like something "cute" you'd see in a Japanese comic book like Sailor Moon would have as her evil twin sister; they even had their own colors and cool pink matching jackets and pants and everything!



And this father was worried about their comic book fantasies more than the sick fantasies some pervert was going to have with his child. Get that? HIS OWN CHILD I wanted to strangle him. WHAT PLANET WAS HE LIVING ON? 



Moron! I hope Yuko has turned out okay. Maybe she met a nice guy and got married and, at 21, has three kids, a husband who drinks too much and works very hard in a blue collar job like construction or driving a truck. The typical Japanese blue collar family; they don't have a lot, but they have each other and that's enough. I do wish that she is happy.  



But back to my girls... The few escapades I've described above (and those are just a few) were a long time ago and luckily for me (and my daughters) they straightened out and now have good jobs where they are doing what they like to do... In spite of my poor parenting. The oldest is a professional jazz singer who is signed to one of the most famous agencies in all of Japan and will have her album debut this year and the second one is pursuing her dream to be a world-class lighting director and is now gainfully employed at the most famous concert/dance/event hall in Tokyo. 



As for other kids who had troubles before: Several years ago, I hosted a very popular morning drive time FM radio show in Tokyo and we'd often have events whereby I could meet the listeners and the fans. Sometimes hundreds of them would attend these get-togethers. We became friends. Many of them told me of their own youth; some of them were trouble-makers; in trouble with school and the law. Some of them had spent time in jail. But many of them told me that, one day, they realized on their own that they had to straighten out and stay out of trouble because daddy and mommy aren't going to be there forever to help them. Now, these folks have jobs and families and people (big and little) who depend on them and love them very much.



It is the way it should be.



So parents, I think the times comes for all of us to worry about our kids. But fear not! Be patient and try to understand. I always try to remember the crazy stuff I did when I was young.



It seems, no matter how much we, as parents screwup our kids, it seems to me that, in most cases, somehow they are able to judge what is right and turn their lives out for the best.


If your kids are in school now and get into some sort of trouble; instead of you, the parent, telling them that they need to pay more attention, perhaps you, the parent, should pay more attention to them. 


It couldn't hurt. 



Make sure that your kids know that you love them and care.... If they are having troubles at school or elsewhere, find comfort in the fact that these things usually pass. Try not to be a negative part of this experience.


 

Star Wars and Earth Wars: Robots, Droids, Drones and People

"I'm C3PO human cyborg relationship and this is my counterpart R2-D2" - C3PO to Luke

Robots? I love them.


Droids? Excellent!


Drones? Not so much. I don't really like them. 


Don't confuse robots, droids and drones. They are all very different. I like the kind of droids you'd see in a Star Wars movie like R2D2 or C3PO. It's drones that I don't like... Besides metallic casings, I might be talking about the kind of drones many people might refer to as "suits."


Actually, in this case, it could even be worse than "suits." At least the "suits" are usually people with what is at least referred to as a "higher education." Chuckle. I mean, they paid big money and got themselves into major debt by avoiding reality after high school by going to college. You know what I mean? College and university are great places to screw around and waste time while you figure out what you want to do with your life and postpone the inevitable as long as possible.

In all fairness, and for the sake of complete disclosure, let me state openly that I did go to university and waste, not four, but six years. But let me also say that I was lucky and, upon graduation, I wasn't even one cent in debt. I worked my way through college.... Hell, it was better than studying! I wrote about how John Belushi convinced me to go to university once. Please refer to: John Belushi, Japan and me - or How the Movie Animal House Changed my Life


But I digress....


I'm talking about Robots, Droids and Drones.


Japan is way, way, way ahead of the United States when it comes to this sort of thing. You can go into Tokyo, say Shinjuku, Shibuya or Akihabara - especially Akihabara - and see robots, droids and drones everywhere you look. In Japan, these things are not unusual so people don't bat an eye.


Don't believe me? It's absolutely true, so help me god. Let me explain. First, I suppose we have to clarify our definitions.

Robot: "A device that automatically performs tasks, sometime repetitively." "A mechanism guided by automatic controls." "A fictional machine whose lack for the capacity of human emotions is often emphasized."


Droid (exactly: Android): "A mobile robot with usually a human form." "A Linux based operating system for cell phones and computers."


Drone: "A stingless male bee that has the role of mating with the queen. It does not work by gathering nectar or pollen." "One that lives on the labor of others." "A vessel guided by remote control."

Drones do stupid things like get hacked or shot down. 

Just lifeless shells is all they really are.

Aha! Got that about drones? They are "vessels guided by remote control." Keep that in mind. That's really what this article is about. I will get onto that in a minute, but first let me continue my train of thought...


Now we're ready? Okay! 


Like I said, Japan is way ahead of the United States (and I include Europe in that too) when it comes to this sort of "mechanical thingy" thing. Need evidence? Let's examine!

Early American toaster (left) - Modern Japanese toaster (right)

Robots. Of course, in every one's house there are many robots that perform simple tasks. My favorite home robot is the kitchen toaster. The toaster was invented in the 1870's in England, but much refined by the Japanese in the 1960's. The friendly kitchen toaster is my favorite robot because it is cheap and can provide much more entertainment on a cold winter night than any TV program on the lobotomy box ever could! Toast? Ummmm! Which would you rather have to warm you up with that hot sexy someone under the blankets on the sofa? A hot piece of buttered toast and fresh strawberry jam that can be munched together or 30 minutes of Dog the Bounty Hunter reruns? Not a difficult call to make, is it?

Interestingly, both "Toast" and "Dog" have roughly the same IQ 

In Tokyo, robots are everywhere and they are fashionable and stylish... In the stylish area, we also have much gratitude to give to the French and the Italians who are excellent at making things that look fabulous, but don't work so well and break down quickly.


Some examples of French and Italian things that look nice but don't work are the Maginot Line, Alitalia, and Fiat automobiles.

Fiat getting well over 100 kilometers per liter of gasoline!

If you really think about it, robots are not such a big deal anymore. Like I mentioned about toasters. What home doesn't have a toaster today?


Now, let's look at androids (we'll call them droids). Android phones are everywhere in Tokyo. In fact, recently, I think I've been seeing more of those than iPhones recently. If the definition of a Droid (above) is correct then, we even have one in my home. It's called a "iRobot Roomba." Okay, well I take that back. Actually, I think it is not called a "Roomba." Roomba is the famous one. Those are very expensive. We bought a Korean made model (forget the name) that does the same thing for half the cost. This automatic vacuuming droid is just like R2D2. Really! He does a good job for certain tasks but can be awful stubborn and does dumb things sometimes like falling down the stairs, so you have to be careful with his programming on where you specify are his work areas. I like the fact that he can vacuum the carpeted floor, then go to the tatami floor, then over to the wooden floor and all under the dining tables and chairs without my wife lifting a finger. Pretty cool.

This android was unveiled in 2005... 

I often wondered what year she'll be "deflowered" in?

It is also awesomely cool in that the fact, get this, the guy himself (sorry about calling it a "he" - my wife insists that the "butler do the vacuuming"), when done, automatically searches and finds his home station and parks himself there after the job is done so his batteries can be recharged... He also beeps and pings like R2D2. Really!


In Tokyo, we also have robots and droids that make ice cream, sushi, and manufacturers cars and work on assembly lines too. Of course.

Yeah, yeah. He vacuums and does everything. But if I ever catch him in bed with my wife, out he goes! Unless, of course, he can introduce me to one of his android friends. 

Wow! Isn't life in the modern world wonderful? Well, yes and no. If you are a robot or droid and have a useful function to fulfill, then you are probably happy until the days that your circuits burn out. If you are a human and you have a good job with a good future, and a nice family, a place to live, then you are probably happy.... But if you are a drone? Oh no! If you are a drone, then you are nothing; you are just a shell, you have no life; you are the lowest of the low; even robots and droids don't respect you. 


And, if you are a human drone?


Human drones? Now, that's the worst thing in the world.


Folks, we have human drones. In fact, if you think about it, they are all around us: These are the people who can't think for themselves. They have be told what to do and what to think. They cannot function without someone showing them the way and telling them exactly what to do. The worst ones are the ones who need to be repeatedly told (programmed) to perform a function before they will do it - even if it is the very same function everyday! They have human drones in America and they have them in Japan. Are they the same? In many ways, yes, but in many ways, no.

To go too deeply into the subject of human drones and the difference between one in Japan and the west, would take volumes of books written by someone with a PhD. who is much more intelligent than me. I can only write about surface issues that I witness with my own eyes. I do not know the deeper issues; the "why's" and "what for." And I don't want to talk about human drones in the USA. Let me off the hook easy by allowing me to only tell you about human drones in Japan.


Human drones are everywhere in this country. Poor folks.... No! I take that back. Maybe they aren't folks to be pitied; maybe they are to be envied. Heck, if they are happy, then I envy them... Thing is that I have never seen a happy drone. 


In Japan, these human drones work at menial labor jobs everywhere you go. You see them at restaurants and working at cash registers. They are the ones doing the lowest of the menial labor tasks. Since Japan doesn't have a problem with an influx of foreign laborers, then, you will see Japanese young people performing these tasks.


I suppose that, if I am to pity these human drones, then I must criticize the Japanese educational system and Japanese society as a whole for teaching too much conformity and not enough creativity... But I am hesitant to do that and criticize Japan for too much conformity. Why? Well, what example am I to hold over Japan to say, "See? This is how it's done!" I think I certainly cannot use the example of the social decline and the resultant level of crime in the west as and yard of measure. I do believe, though, that the Japanese educational system is guilty of not teaching enough critical thought and too much conformity... I can say that because I had children who spent a few years in both Japanese public schooling and in International schools in Japan and high school in America.    


Oh pity the human drones... Well, at least they have a job.


Now, parents of high school kids or young people just out on their first jobs, don't confuse what I am saying here. I am not saying that everyone who cleans tables or stands behind a cash register or works at a convenience store is a drone. Far from it. I'm saying the ones who do not smile, are not energetic, do not think for themselves and must do everything by the manual; the ones who show no life in their faces; no enthusiasm for their work those are drones. They are the ones to be pitied.


There are far too many of them in Japan.


Now, do you understand what I mean by a human drone? They could be the guy working at a bank or a bureaucrat like in the Kurosawa movie, "Ikiru." Or it could be like the people you see when you go shopping or to a cheap restaurant. There they are: lifeless, the walking dead. Those are the people who should be pitied.


Well, now, there I've done it. I think I took what was a fun and full of life article at the start and turned it into a real bummer by the ending. Sorry about that. So with that, let me tell you about a story that I heard from a friend last night about his recent experience with a human drone at a cheap eatery.


In Japan, whenever two or three (more?) adults go into any sort of cheap eatery or restaurant, when the patrons are finished and about to pay the bill, it is customary that the clerk will ask them, "Will you pay the bill together or separately?" In Japan, asking this to customers is a "rule." This rule is a part of what is called, "Manual Dori" or "By the Book" (マニュアル通り).  The reason why Japanese companies (and companies like McDonald's, etc.) have to create these "Manuals" is that they aren't really hiring rocket scientists. No, folks, they are hiring, in many cases, human drones - of course they wouldn't if they could find spry, alert, and gregarious, positive outgoing people - alas...

Anyway, back to my story about my friend's experience with the human drone. My friend is the father of two handsome young boys who are of junior high school age, about 13 and 14 years of age. Together, the three of them went to eat at Yoshinoya Gyudon. Gyudon is known in the west as "Beef bowl." It is a bowl of rice that has beef and vegetables cooked in a sauce that is poured over the rice. Many Japanese men (and some women) on the go love to eat this. I used to also until I just about stopped eating beef.


Upon finishing their food, the father and the two boys walked up to the cash register where they met their human drone for that day.


Now, if you were at the cash register and saw a guy in his late forties, maybe early fifties, with two boys half his size that looked to be junior high school students, deeply immersed in their held held DS computer games, what would you think? Do you think:


A) "Gee! This looks like a dad with his two kids. That'l be $9.00, please. Do you need a receipt?"
B) "I wonder if these three gentlemen are all gainfully employed or are they Yakuza gangsters about to rob the restaurant at gunpoint?"
C) "I wonder when the new DS game software comes out?"
D) Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You don't have a single synapse. You repeat the manual like a drone.


If you said, "D" then you are a winner.


My friend is standing there, with his wallet open. The two kids next to him are playing Super Mario and the clerk says, "Will you pay the bill together or separately?" Doh!


Parents! Don't let your children grow up to be drones. Why? Well, if they are drones, one of these days someone is going to come out with a useful robot, like a toaster and your kid will be out of a job. Don't they deserve better than that? I hope so.

Vacation is a State of Mind - How to Get The Truly Wonderful Things in Life

"Vacation used to be a luxury, but in today's world it is a necessity." - Unknown 

Japan sure has a lot of holidays. I like that about Japan. I mean, who doesn't like holidays? "Holiday" means that it is time to spend away from work and with family. 


Too bad not enough people take advantage of that.


It's a Saturday and the start of a three-day weekend here in Japan. I hope that I can take this holiday and use it to rest more and spend more time with my son and other children.... 


I shouldn't say "hope. I should say, "I will." I must have the state of mind that "I do" and not "I hope." 


"I hope" is a pretty terrible business plan. 

Barbecuing trout that we caught fishing near Atsugi

This post is for you good folks with children. Everyone who has children thinks, "Our children grow up so fast." But I think, more often than not, that's where the thinking stops. We should add to that thinking, "How can I add to what little time I have left with these kids?" We must always remember to stop and smell the roses along the way.


My son is now 8-years-old. Why, just the other day, it seems, he was a baby.


Heck, it seems just like yesterday, he was born. I can remember it well. He was born at about 2:30 in the morning at a hospital in Tokyo. My wife's parents were both there. My son being born was a big deal for them as he is the first and only boy in the entire family. Everyone else has had girls. Being "number one son" is a very important and traditional role in Asian societies.


I remember after he was just born, for about the first two years of his life, I would take him in the stroller for walks everyday that wasn't too cold or raining and go to the park and back. It was about a one hour walk, round trip. Starting when he was 6 months old, until he was six-years-old, I would go to bed with him at night, every night, and we would read books together. I like to think that's why he is such an advanced reader. He had read the children's classic "Charlotte's Web" by the time he was 4 years old. I did that religiously until he entered into first grade.


Within three months of first grade, he was jumped up to second grade and his school work load increased and, with that, time with dad decreased. That was almost two years ago. Now, he is in 3rd grade at school. 


Everyone has memories like this about their kids too. 

My son and second daughter, Sheena

Now I look at him and I just sigh. He will soon be nine. He has his own iPad, computer, friends at school... He goes to Karate class, takes music and piano lessons and spends time with friends. Heck, he has an hour or more of homework every night and piano practice too! Sure, he still likes to spend time with mom and dad, but I know from experience that, from 4th grade, kids really start to spread their wings and will, little by little, stop spending so much time with mom and dad. 


Time goes by so fast.


One thing that I saw in his room last night that made me chuckle and remember my own experiences as a child and times with my own father, rest in peace, was a book that he had checked out from the school library. It was entitled "How to Beat Your Dad at Chess." I picked the book up and laughed. Surely, beating your dad at chess is a mountain to climb when you are a boy. Once you do it, you will see other mountains to climb. But this book shows that still dad is #1... But not for long. 

I write this blog post now because I want to stress to you fathers out there and remind you that, even though Christmas just ended and the New Year's Holidays are over, that doesn't mean that we should go back to "business as usual." Yes, of course we must work and feed our families, but isn't it also a good time to access what we have and to try to appreciate it more?

Isn't it a good time to slow down and to try to enjoy what we have while we have it?

Yesterday, I met a friend at the grocery store whom I hadn't seen for quite a while. We exchanged pleasantries and he asked about my work and I asked about his. The part of the conversation that really stuck in my mind was his final comment,

"At least we both have jobs. I know a lot of people who are out of work." Come to think of it, I reckon that I do too. We are lucky, we have jobs and we have families.

I know, though, far too many fathers who are chasing the all mighty dollar and exchanging their time with their families for money. I don't mean some of their time, I mean all of their time. I know fathers who are away from their families for months, even years. I think they have lost sight of the purpose of work. 

In Japan, we have what is called "Tanshin Funin." Father's are transferred away from their families and miss out on seeing their children grow up. I even know one family where the father lived away for over ten years! Does it surprise dear reader that, ultimately, those parents divorced?

I'd never do that. While I might transfer for a few months or maybe six, I quit I'd quit my job instead of living away from my family on a semi-permanent basis. Why? Heck, the kids are only children once. What is the price of missing out on seeing them and growing with them?

Of course, the example above is an extreme case, but how many of us dads leave for work from early in the morning and do not come home until after the kids are asleep and we do that six days a week? On Sundays, we are so dead tired that we sleep all day? How is that enjoying life and spending time with the kids? 

What do we work for? We work to feed and house our families so that they can be happy. How can a family truly be happy without the father around to enjoy all the fruits life gives us daily?

I have often written about how I write down my goals for life and for that day in my notebook. I do it religiously everyday. I have written before about that One Step to Becoming a Better Parent and More Successful in Life:

I write down my goals every day religiously in the morning when I wake up and, not only does doing so help me to achieve them, it also helps me to relax and stay much more focused through the day. Who doesn't want to stay more focused in this day and age when our "in-box" includes, for most people, several e-mail accounts that are constantly filling up as the day goes by and consistently altering our priorities? Add on an Internet world filled with Social Media like Facebook and Linkedin accounts to attend? Twitter is no longer for just sending messages to your friends, but it too, has been co-opted into the business world and your boss orders you to use them, or blogs and SNS, to get the company message out...

How in the world can anyone today get ahead of the pile in the "in-box"? Any person in their right mind would be stressed.

.....let me point out that writing down your goals and purposes is like having a sort of road map to where you want to go. When you write them down, they enter your subconsciousness and they cause your inner brain to focus upon the Law of Attraction. If you do not write down where you want to go — if you do not have a map — then how will you know where you are going?

I recently have started writing down two more things in my daily notes. I wouldn't call them "goals" necessarily, but in the effort to create the "Law of Attraction," I write them down to try to make sure they come true. Those two goals are:

1) Thank you god for all the wonderful things I have and all the truly wonderful things I am about to receive.

2) All my loved ones are healthy and prosper.

From today, I think I am again going to add something more:

3) I spend one hour today with my son playing a game or reading a book together.

Dads (and working moms) remember that family fun and spirit of Christmas you had the other day? Remember the warmth and feeling of "family" when you share time together? Isn't there a song that says, "I wish everyday could be like Christmas?" Of course, we have jobs to do and bills to pay, but remember over this weekend and at every chance you get with your kids to make those moments special. 

Like I said, I know everyone is busy, so lastly, here's a quick tip to help you:

Trying to spend more time with your kids is tough, but here's a simple way to do that better. Here is a good way to better the time that you do spend together and it's so simple, if even for only a few moments a day: 


Whenever your child talks to you give them your total attention; put down that newspaper or cellphone; Close the computer laptop. Look them straight in the eye and show complete interest in what they say when they are talking. Give your child your total self and complete undivided attention. Give them your all. Listen - really listen - to what your child has to say.

Show your child that you love them and respect them. As I wrote in Most Men Die With Regrets:

Share time now with your children because now isn't coming back ever again. Give your child a hug and spend time with them while you can.

The future is coming sooner than you can imagine. Don't kid yourself. No matter how much time you spend with your children, one day, you'll wish you had spent more. Do it now. 

Today is the start of a wonderful weekend. Start making great memories and spending more time with your children today.


NOTE: Lastly to help you more appreciate what we have, please enjoy this wonderful short video sent to me by my dear friend Paul Kitabayashi. It brought a tear to my eye.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Spending Time With Your Kid

It's a day after Christmas and things have really started to wind down. Most dad's are home from work - excepting in Japan and other non-Christian countries and, trust me, there's lots of those. So most of these dad's will take the time, hopefully, to spend some time just being a kid and playing with their kid.

There's nothing more important that a dad can do with their kid than just being with them and doing what the kid wants to do. That's so important. We always take the kids someplace to do what we want to do. But how often do we sit right down with them and do exactly what they want to do? 

Guam December 2011

Sure. "I do that all the time." But do you really? I think most dads, when the child says, "Daddy! Let's do this (or that)!" Will do it for 10 - 20 minutes or so, but get bored quickly and stand up and say, "Well, that's enough for daddy right now" and walk off.

I am reminded of my son wanting to play with Thomas the Tank Engine toys when he was 3 or 4. I thought it was totally boring. That is, until, I got right down and looked at it from his point of view. I got low to the ground and imagined that I was the train conductor and that I was driving the trains. I had to slow down at the dangerous curves and be careful of trains crossing my way. I actually became involved with the game and interacted, rather than just push some cars around in an uninterested fashion.

It soon became fun! The next thing I knew was my wife came up to us and smiled, "My! You two seem to be having lots of fun!" It was! It was fun and time went by really quickly. The next thing you know two hours had passed. We had a great old time.

I am reminded of that time often and, since it is the Christmas and New Year's holiday season, I'd like to remind you fathers and mothers too (but I suspect that most mothers don't need reminding). Recently, I went to a southern Pacific Ocean island with my wife and son and we stayed at a resort. The resort was geared towards families and so they had a water park and a game center. Of course, my son wanted to go to both all the time.

The first day there, I took my son to the pool and water park then to the game center. I found the game center extremely boring as most of the machines were broken and the change machine was in disrepair. Even so, we had  a good time playing Foosball.

The next day. I was exhausted and took a nap. My son was frustrated because he wanted to go play with me. But I had to sleep. After an hour or so of napping, I woke up feeling guilty. That's when it dawned on me again; I am not on vacation here for my pleasure, I am here for his pleasure (we are on vacation after all). I woke up and asked him what he wanted to do.

It was during the day time and he said wanted to go play Foosball. I thought that was a waste of daylight and wanted to tell him, "No! We are going to the pool." but I decided then and there that I would do whatever it was that my son wanted to do.

After all, it was his vacation time too. If he wanted to waste daylight playing Foosball then what difference does it make to me? I'd decided to go have fun with him so whatever he wanted to do was fine by me. I mean, what difference does it make to me if we go Foosball for the first two hours and swimming for the next thirty minutes or so, then swimming for the first hour, then Foosball for the next two hours?

Whatever we do, I had decided that I was going to make him happy by doing what he wanted to do. Whatever it was.

Remember dads and moms... Our true happiness comes in making someone else happy, especially our kids. They aren't going to be kids forever let them enjoy it while they can...

And, if you can allow yourself to do so too, become a kid with them while you play. It is wonderful to return to the purity of our childhood, if even for a moment, if you can.

Try to do this for a day or two this holiday season... I'll bet it will truly be the present that your child remembers. 

Winners, Losers, Sports, Kids, and Adult Children: Taking Lemons and Making Lemonade

A young and talented writer I know had entered a essay contest. The winners were to be awarded a cash prize, the sum of which was to be divided up amongst the top five contestants. My writer friend was hoping that he could win part of that cash to visit Japan and extend his studies.

LIke I said, he is a talented writer and, in spite of very heavy and fierce competition, he placed fifth amongst thousands of contestants. 


Well done!

He was thrilled. Well, thrilled, that is, of course, until after the winners were announced with a tiny minor detail change: Due to budget cuts, the top five winners wouldn't share the prize money, only the top two winners would share in the prize money. 

Naturally he was disappointed. The contest organizers had broken a promise.


My friend wrote to me about his disappointment and this is what I wrote back:

Dear Peter,

Fifth place is excellent and you have nothing to be sad about. Sure, the prize part of the deal didn't turn out as you were promised, but take that as a lesson in life too... Often times things do not turn out as expected.

It seems to me that we learn these lessons well when we are entering the transition world from school to supposedly gainful employment.

Let me tell you about my own experience that your story reminds me of. But first, some background....


When I was a child we were pretty poor. 

As a child in the sixties I lived with my mom and dad and two brothers. I don't know how my mom made do. My father was merely a low paid US marine sergeant, who was always away from home as the Vietnam War was in full swing. We didn't have much yet my mother was somehow able to always give us enough and, while we didn't feast like kings, we had enough to eat. 


Like I said, my father was rarely home so I was raised by dear old mom.


As I got older, I realized how clever my mother was. She was smart and adroit enough at finances to turn my father's meager salary into buying a house and flipping it over to a bigger house each time on three separate occasions.

Even to this day, I am amazed when I think about how well my mother was able to make do with a very limited amount of resources. Anyhow, as you can guess most of my very early formative years were spent being raised by my mom.


But I digress....

When I got older and graduated from school, I got a high paying job. I was so thankful for that and have always tried to remember where I came from and who I am. It is for this reason that I have always felt that I should "give back" to society. I wanted to help kids and especially those who didn't share time with their fathers.

I started coaching 8 year olds in basketball and soccer... Most of those kids came from broken homes and I wanted to help them have fun and do sports and not be such a dorky kid that couldn't do three push-ups like me.

If you've ever coached a kids sports team, then you'll know how really smelly the entire league operation can be. Basically, it seems to me that a bunch of dads get together and make the league. Then, they have "trials" whereby the dads who set the league up take the pick of the best and most athletic kids and start the league from there.

The non-athletic kids (mostly the ones who came from broken homes and didn't have a dad around to teach them how to throw or catch a ball like yours truly) were left off the teams. Then, the local city youth department would hunt down people to volunteer as coach. There was always a shortage of coaches so there were always a few hundred kids left off of teams with no chance to play.


Pretty pathetic when you stop to think about it, eh?

That also meant that people like me got the kids who were to be on a team that was a punching bag for the teams coached by the dads who had already taken the most athletic kids...

So much for teaching kids about "Sportsmanship."

If these parents really were interested in Sportsmanship and fair play, they make the team selection random and by drawing. Of course, their own child should be on dad's team... But the entire purpose and rationale of a city run youth sports department (that is funded with our taxes) is to allow all kids a chance to play. Not a select few.

Anyway, one year, I started coaching 8-year-olds in basketball with my best friend Jeff. Jeff and I were both in our early 20s. Most dads were in their 40s or 50s. Jeff and I had brothers and, through that life experience, we knew that to get good at sports, the best way to teach kids was to have them play with older, bigger, stronger and faster kids.

So we played basketball with them. Our kids, through this coaching style, got really good, really fast. We took a bunch of mediocre athletic kids and turned them into a powerhouse team. 

Halfway through the season, we played the best team. They were undefeated (and coached by a dad who started the league so they had all the best kids). We had already lost two games but when we played them, we defeated them by one point in a tough and tight battle.

We were ecstatic. The kids were exhausted. The league and other coaches were in disbelief.

Anyhow, in that basketball league, the rules at the start of the season were that the top 4 teams played off for the championships at the end of the season.  By some miracle our team finished 4th and was to only team to beat the #1 team in the league.

They had only suffered one defeat, from us. We were sure we could beat them again in the playoffs and pull off a championship.

It was not to be, though.

What did the dads running the league do? They changed the rules before the last game of regular season so that only the top 2 teams played off. We were pissed off. We were ripped off. They lied to us.

Of course the top team, the one we had beaten, went on to win the championship. Pretty sh*tty, eh?

Those kids were great players and they won the championship. But their fathers were a bunch of losers.

Many kids sports leagues are a similarly disgusting affair. They are a reflection of what's wrong with our society and many organizations, people and clubs.

Nevertheless, we were happy about the experience and, after the final game, we had a pizza party for the kids. 


There, one of the least athletic kids came up to me and he said, "Coach Mike. You are the best coach I have ever had and I will never ever forget you. Thank you."


It brought a tear to my eye. It still does.


So to my writer friend who has his victory taken away, to my kids that I coached and to you, dear reader, who has sometimes had what was promised taken away, let me say, 


Fear not! You have nothing to be ashamed of and everything to be proud of. Sometimes life hands you lemons... But the truly wonderful and successful people take those and make lemonade. Winners take these experiences and use them to improve.


With each effort, the victory is just one step closer. Keep on at it and your day will come just as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow.


For Peter Dyloco